Dear Miss Lonelyhearts,

I've always been against the idea of theme housing because I've always been a really independent person and I don't want some where I live to define me and encompass my entire life. Two years of college and 6+ clubs later, I still haven't found even one person I can call my friend. I'm thinking about trying to transfer into a theme dorm but I'm afraid it's not "me." Should I give in or keep searching elsewhere??

– Bummed in Bidwell

Dear Bummed,

Reed’s motto is “the life of the mind,” not “the life of the rockin’ social life!” Reed has decided not to have fraternities and sororities on campus for a reason – because if we had venues in which we could socialize and get drunk with our peers, we wouldn’t be able to feel smugly superior to those schools where students are encouraged to make eye contact and friendly conversation on a regular basis.

Theme dorms, benign as they may seem, are the kindergarten of fratting. Sure, they may look enticing, offering a “community of like-minded individuals” and “fun group activities,” but what does that really mean? It means dorm movie nights when you could be getting down and dirty with Heidegger and community cookouts distracting you from your chemistry. And what are they up to over in Quiet Mind? More like Hive Mind! I know what you’re up to with those group meditation sessions and I, for one, will not meld with the greater consciousness so that we can talk about our weekends! I have a problem set to finish.
Do what your peers are doing, Bummed: awkwardly smile at people you half-know from your classes when you pass them in the library. If you’re feeling adventurous, complain about the reading to them. But don’t worry about theme dorms or making friends. It all seems mighty suspicious to me.

Opposed, as ever, to school spirit,

Miss Lonelyhearts