Dearest Miss Lonely Hearts,

I need your advice. You see, Honey came in and she caught me red-handed creeping with the girl next door. Picture this: we were both butt-naked, banging on the bathroom floor. How could I forget that I had given her an extra key? All this time she was standing there, she never took her eyes off me. But, Miss Lonely Hearts she caught me on the counter, she saw me kissin’ on the sofa. Oh Miss Lonely hearts, she saw the marks on my shoulder; heard the words that I told her. She even heard the scream get louder. Miss, she stayed until it was over. Now, I told her it wasn’t me. But she didn’t believe a word I told her.

I don’t know what to do. Miss Lonely Hearts, I am begging you on one knee, how do I get my Honey back?

—It Wasn’t Me

Dear Wasn’t Me,

Let’s review the situation that you’re caught up in here: you were having an affair with the girl next door and your girlfriend caught you in flagrante delicto.

And you tried to tell her it wasn’t you?

Wasn’t Me – you may think you’re a player, but you’re completely lost. Think about it: is your girl really going to believe that it wasn’t your butt she caught a glimpse of? I guess you told her that it was your evil twin she caught in the bathroom with the neighbor.

“Really, he looks just like me, and he wants to ruin my life by wearing my clothes... and then taking them off... and making incredibly misguided decisions!”

If you’re going to float that one you might as well try and tell her

that day is night and you did all of the reading in Hum 110: she’s not going to fall for any of it.

Really, I can only recommend one course of action – admit that she did, indeed, catch you red-handed and tell her that you’re sorry for the pain that you’ve caused. I’m not going to promise that she’ll forgive you, because I’m honestly not sure that she will. But drop the act; you’re only embarrassing yourself.

Rubba-dubba,

Miss Lonely Hearts