Dear Miss Lonely Hearts,

I have a huge crush on this boy in my Hum conference and I just don’t know what to do. He always wears the best flannels and the most perfectly beat up jeans and boots and no one knows how to talk about Plato’s Republic or the cloudiness of reality in Herodotus’ Histories like he does. What should I do? Should I slip a Sappho poem in his mail stop? Or maybe drop a hint about meeting sometime to talk about those star-crossed lovers, Helen and Paris?

Please respond ASAP,

Lovestruck in Hum Conference.

Dear Lovestruck,

I hate to quote Reed Relieves here, but have you ever talked to this hipster Hercules? If going up to him in Commons is a little bit intimidating, why not try walking out of conference with him? “Hey, what Jan was saying about German philosophy vis a vi Medea is totally whack, right?” and boom, you’ve started a conversation. At this point, try gently steering him towards the Paradox — “I’m gonna grab a cup of coffee. Wanna come?” If he declines, don’t worry about it! You guys totally just had a conversation and now he thinks you’re funny and clever.

If he does take you up on that coffee, maybe try slipping Helen into the conversation and see where that gets you.

Love,

Miss Lonely Hearts.