Slime is for college students too
This week, the Grail is proud to feature journalism on a subject that is sure to benefit the Reed College community at large, through its potential to offer direly needed stress-relief, unadulterated joy, and stimulation of the senses — slime (What? Did you think I was going to mention any college-sponsored programming?). Putty, goo, ooze — whatever you call it, since its commercial invention in 1943, this squishy and viscous quasi-solid has entertained children for decades. At least, that was until The Grail ventured into the Dollar Tree on Foster to obtain all nine types of slime that the store has to offer for review for the student body.*
This review of slime was conducted by a board of three certified and unbiased slime professionals (aka my housemates, Kira, Isabel and Stephanie) and evaluates five criteria for establishing its merit: squish, sound, smell, appearance/aesthetic, and a bonus category that allows the reviewers to account for special characteristics such as function and presentation.
Flarp Noise Putty (Specifically the Blue Color)
Rating: 11/10
Unanimously, the classic Blue Flarp Noise Putty was the favorite of the board. Offering the perfect consistency, an intoxicating blue-raspberry Jolly Rancher aroma, and the sweet, sweet sounds of flatulence, Flarp is perfect for solo slime time, and for group enjoyment of the many shapes and sounds it can provide. It is the clear winner for the longest lasting, bang-for-your (literal) buck entertainment.
“There’s just something gay about Flarp.”
Creature Oozy Goo and Crystal Putty
Rating: 9.5/10
These two are very similar types of slime but offer distinct advantages that set them apart. They are both translucent, colorful, solid yet yielding slimes. The Oozy Goo is a firm, almost “al dente” feeling substance, and as an added bonus, BIRTHS a plastic spider. If slime was a mattress, then the Crystal Putty would be the ~softer~ equivalent, for people who need or desire a less hardcore but equally fulfilling slime experience. Plus, it has a breathtakingly iridescent SPARKLE.
Bubble Goo
Rating: 7/10
This slime has an excellent consistency, and wins major bonus points because you can basically use a Boba Straw to blow big, ooey-gooey bubbles out of it. It’s like hitting a slime Juul. However, it seems to dry out fairly quickly, offering ephemeral satisfaction.
As one reviewer notes:
“The one night stand of slime.”
Glitter Slime
Rating: 2/10
Pretty in its prism, the appeal of glitter slime falls apart the minute it comes out of its container. Glitter is everywhere — on your hands, on the table, contaminating all the other good slime. For our reviewers, residue is the biggest no-no. It breaks apart like bad, bad jello.
“It’s pretty though!” “Actually, I find it visually not compelling.”
Goofy Putty
Rating: 0.5/10
The only positive feature of this slime is that it comes in an egg; otherwise, reviewers noted that it felt like they were playing with an old piece of gum. At least it’s better than having no slime at all.
“Unoriginal”
*This article is not sponsored by Dollar Tree or Big Slime™
