Dear Miss Lonely Hearts,

HELP! I accidentally drank my custodian’s chocolate Frosty a few weeks ago, and it’s eating away at my soul. I went to the closest Wendy’s (on Sandy Boulevard) and bought two large chocolate Frosties (because interest) and a 1/4 lb. cheeseburger (because square meat). I excitedly drove back to give him the frozen milky goodness. Upon returning to my dorm, my HA told me that the custodian would be gone for a week visiting family. Dismayed (here’s the sad part), I ATE THE FROSTIES. Like Holy Shit. Why am I such a terrible person? I didn’t realize you could save those things in the freezer. What do I do?

Frozen in Fear

Dear Frozen,

First, take a deep breath. Let go of your caps lock key. This problem is tangled, but not impossible. That feeling of your soul being eaten away isn’t just guilt – it’s actually a wasting curse placed upon you by the Phys Plant mages. These curses are generally placed to protect the custodians and groundskeepers from the actions of inattentive or inconsiderate students, and it will probably send you spiraling into a vicious cycle of well-intentioned Frosty purchases, followed by consumption of those same Frosties, if you don’t take steps to break it.

All you have to do to release yourself from this curse is go to the Phys Plant with a consecrated talisman, three tablespoons each of frankincense, hyssop, rue, and thyme, and, of course, a Frosty. Offer these to whoever is working the desk at Phys Plant; they’ll know what to do with them.

Miss Lonely Hearts