Dear Miss Lonely Hearts,

There’s this girl in one of my conferences who is unnecessarily aggressive, like a Jack Russell Terrier. She makes good points but the way in which she makes them makes me and other members of my class visibly uncomfortable. It’s like she’s a human Brillo pad. How do I get her to realize that her behavior is negatively impacting the conference and possibly intimidating people who have good things to say but are shy? How can I share my similes in peace?

Advise me,

Scared in conference

Dear Scared,

I’m aways for diplomacy in these situations. So let’s go back to the original diplomat: Thrasybulus. You all remember him from Herodotus, don’t you? Of course you do. Anyway, you should make like Thrasybulus and invite this girl over for a party at your place. Now at this party, you’re going to have a lot of food. I mean a lot. Break the bank on this one — get some Liberty Creek, get some peach rings from Homer’s, maybe get some Annie’s mac ‘n’ cheese. Then when you invite her to your party, she’ll be like: “wow. This kid from my conference is super rich and well-provisioned for war... it would be pointless to fight with them any longer.” Then she’ll make peace with you, and maybe build a temple in your honor. You know where’s the best place to make similes? In a temple built in your honor.

For Sparta!

Miss Lonelyhearts