Dear Miss Lonely Hearts,

I have serious conundrum. I would like Robert Knapp to be my grandfather. I know that he’s married and he’s never met my grandmother but I feel they’d hit it off ! She has a PhD in English and they could talk about Shakespeare and theatre to their hearts delight. After all, didn’t Romeo say, “How sweet is love itself possess’d / when but love’s shadows are so rich in joy”?

I want Robert Knapp’s beard in my Christmas card, not just the beard, but also a Norman Rockwell-esque picture of us and their domestic bliss. How can I help the two of them start this whirlwind romance that will forever change their (and by extension my) lives.

Sincerely,

Wanting to be grandson

Dear lil’ Knapp,

I’ve found that people tend to get rather fussy when you try and force them into marriage — even if it’s for the sake of a Norman Rockwell Christmas card. Instead, try a subtle approach.

Step one: when you talk to your grandmother on the phone, mention how much fun you’re having in Robert’s class (call him Robert, to make him seem personable) and how much fun you think they’d have discussing Shakespeare.

Step two: invite your grandmother to Grandparents’ Day. It doesn’t matter that Reed doesn’t have a Grandparents’ day. Invite her, and take her to Robert’s class with you. After class, introduce them: “Robert, I’ve told my grandmother so much about your class!” Then step back and hope that Robert has “ne’er saw true beauty ‘til this night!”

Yeah, I can quote “Romeo and Juliet” too.

Teaching the torches to burn bright,

Miss Lonely Hearts