poetry

Throat

I come home and open all of my shades. My bedroom becomes a pool of warm, buttered light. I strip naked, leaving my pants slung over my chair, and my shirt on the bed--it comes undone in quick succession, four flicks of my wrist to undo the hooks. On the desk, my favorite white lace bra I carelessly stained with red paint from fucking a boy during my first week of university. My Calvin Kleins along with it. I will make love to myself before, during, and after the sun sets on a green blanket I crocheted two winters ago. I will come so hard, I cry. 

It wasn’t until I turned 18 that I began to notice my body. How the freckles on my shoulders are my favorite part of myself. How the light brown splotch an inch and a half below my right breast is actually a birthmark, not a freckle. How the black dot on the innermost part of my left thigh might actually be a mole, just like the one on my face, but not raised. And it will fascinate me that my past lovers have never noticed these features, kissed my shoulders, never recognized these little treasures, these little marvels of my body. That, at 19, it is me who says look at how beautiful I am here, look at how lovely. And, it’s not that it’s all being realized for the first time. It’s that I’m making it mine now. 

And, despite all this intimacy with myself, the way I go over all these details of myself, the way I kiss my shoulders and draw patterns on my thighs with my unevenly chewed nails, it does not mean my body forgives me. It does not mean my body no longer keeps the score. It does not mean I forgive myself. There is a vital difference between saying yes because you just wanted to be loved and not getting the chance to be asked at all. There’s a gaping difference between swallowing your disgust at 14 and having to yank a stranger’s fingers off your vocal box at 19. They both kiss like they are trying to swallow you whole. And there is no metaphor to make this pain easier to digest, to sugarcoat this, or make all this ache into a cavity. It does not need to be made into a metaphor to explain all the times I have pushed my tongue against this rot and blamed myself. But this does not mean I have to accept the lie that this is the way things are. Because there have been times when the words yes and please have not been enough (and this will be true again). 


Tonight, I will eat a cupcake in the dining hall and wind up not brushing my teeth before bed. An acquaintance will read a poem he wrote for his creative writing class, and while I listen my finger will press between my collarbones--the way it does whenever I’m engrossed, when I’m becoming part of a story. And the pressure will not hurt. My skin will not crawl. Not even a little bit, not even at all. 

february 2023

Cassandra

On an island only in my mind

Nothing more on than what I need

Wind touches my soaking-wet hair

Chills crawl down my spine,

and take hold of my heart

I can see it in the corner of my eye

There’s fire on the horizon

I yell out Cassandra into the night

Praying to these pages, I call to her

If you saw the end coming, would you try to

stop it?

By then, she was already gone

Maybe I’ve got this twisted obsession with

fucking things up

The feeling of falling in love while the world’s burning down

is all I’ve ever needed to feel

When all that's left are the cinders of your life,

who still stands beside you?

where do you stand, Cassandra?

I listen to the birds like the Bible

I ask the robots how to feel okay

I cry myself to sleep, I’m too cool to care

spell out the signs of being too far gone

Cassandra, please, don’t leave me in the dark

I saw the end coming and I didn’t stop it

what if I knew you wanted me to?

A good/better person would have tried

The world ends in fire, mine ends in ice

Because when Troy’s burning down is the only time I feel alive

Roots

I take a quick cut to my right, and plunge into the sanctuary that is the Forest, relishing in the knowledge that now, all eyes are off me. I breathe in, and out, let my body reconnect with the world around me. Now that there is no longer thick concrete and brick blocking me from Nature, I can feel it all again. The earth pulses beneath me, the heartbeats of the worms, the roots– the sheer volume of life around me is overwhelming. I want to close my eyes, but I cannot, yet, for the image around me is sublime; sloping paths giving way to towering trees, plants of all sizes vie for dominance across my view, my eyes snagging on the few trees whose fall colors are beginning to be revealed. The itching of my wings begs to be set free from the confines I must keep them in. Every day I worry, I wonder– do they suspect? Do they know? It’s not on anyone’s mind, I’m sure, no one here thinks the Fae are real, we’re all just an ancient story to them. 

It is worth it, the discomfort, the pretending that must be done so often. It is worth it, to be here. This land is special, its importance reverberates down my spine, spills raindrops in my hair. I was upset before, but now I’ve forgotten why, nourished by the landscape before me. I take my time walking, alternating keeping my eyes open and closed– I’ve done this walk a thousand times, I know where each small bridge and protruding tree root sits in the path, know every bend and fork, so it doesn’t matter, just different ways to take it in. Eventually I get to a spot deep in the Forest, where off the path’s side there lies an old, decrepit manhole cover ensconced in concrete. It is covered in moss, and mud, and dirt, with a heavy rusted padlock sealing it forever shut. Or so it seems. After a quick glance around, I approach with my key, and easily slide off the lock before gently pushing the door up, revealing the fresh hydraulics inside and a well-lit ladder, the outside all the illusion of paint. Entering, I am sad to feel the dirt on my shoes turn to metal rungs, but happy to know that I am home. 

Insulated by the ground and the pipes, I remove my coat and shoes at the entrance, now in my warm cocoon. It wraps around me, yet I am a butterfly, and with my coat off now I ease my wings open, stretching them and rolling my shoulders. Tunnels aren’t where I ever planned to live, where any Fae was ever meant to live, but nevertheless it is home. The walls are still grimy, discolored, the pipes clamor and shake, and there's an aggressive damp smell we know we’ll never get out, but it’s home. Odd rugs line the floor, an overlapping patchwork telling the stories of all the house-tunnel’s inhabitants; all the places we’ve lived, people we’ve loved.

I wish we could raise these tunnels up, network them through the trees above. It’s the first place that’s ever been ours, and that sense of ownership is electrifying, the allure of control glimmering around me, hiding the mold and rust and rot, banishing the sounds and smells to the back of my mind. We came here out of necessity, but it's become so much more, our safe haven against the world. Our dining table is a log, pulled from just outside. We’ve begun to carve it, in spare moments; flattened the top, began making legs appear from the dense wood. Our chairs all mismatched in a perfect way, like most of our things, an amalgamation of ten lives; things given, purchased, stolen, donated- all collected here, safely stored away in the Tunnels. We are proper Fae, collectors, living communally– but not quite in Nature. 

We should be resting high above, wings wide to catch the sun as we bask on the open arms of trees, but those days are gone now. The Forest is protected, its wildlife safe from harm. But we are not included in this vow. Instead, while the plants and the small animals get to go about just as they always have, we must relocate, and learn to live with the humans. I say this as if it’s recent. It’s not. We’ve been at odds with the humans for centuries, starting for my family line in the Middle Ages, where Monks and Friars began prowling the land, evicting all of Faekind to the margins. 

The trees told us of the Tunnels, and we moved in as soon as we could. To say it is a perfect arrangement is to undermine the difficulties we face, but it is indeed the best we could hope for. The stress of it all, though, haunts me. Someday, they will find out. It’s happened before, in other areas, and my friends, my roommates, aren’t known for their subtlety. I had a long day, and so did everyone else in the Tunnel household, so after dinner we go for a frolic. Donning our most inconspicuous clothes, we all ascend to the surface, delighting in the dark shroud around us. This is the only time we trust, our night vision and knowledge of the Forest is far higher than any human, so we feel it is a time we can finally be truly ourselves. Wings out, we take to the sky. We can’t go far, but rejoice in a game of tag, or a race between the branches of the trees, always avoiding spots of light from nearby buildings. Someone hits a branch, we laugh, then all remember we must be quiet, must make only the sounds of the animals– what laugh comes from fifty feet up? 

         After some time, the Moon now high in the sky, we retire, one by one folding our wings to descend into our subterranean dwelling, so strange and yet so fitting for us. I am the last one, intending to do up the lock behind me, a simple trick of air magic I happen to have a better handle on than the rest. They disappear beneath the surface, and I am left alone, pausing for a moment to take it in. I connect to the person I was coming home today, feel the same thing she felt, entering the Forest, and then see the differences, how the soundscape has changed in the switch to nocturnals. Trees rustle, far off a small waterfall crashes, and nearby– a twig snaps. A large one. I open my eyes wide towards the sound, and realize my wings have flared in alarm as I move swiftly to hide them, seeing a humanoid shape begin to materialize on the path. I turn, but it is too late– they would see me close the hatch, they know, it’s over. 

The shadow solidifies, and I realize that while its silhouette is mostly a stark contrast to the surrounding landscape, off of the shoulders, there is something murky that moves with it. Closer it comes, they come, and I can make out the shapes, on either side, transparent membranes that flutter in the cool midnight breeze as the unidentified Fae comes up to me, close enough now the little light that spills from the open manhole reveals them to be– a normal person. Someone I’d seen nearly every day, for months. 

“So, I’m not the only one.”

The Sun Over the Valley

The Tower 

A sentinel stood at his post on a lone tower, stained green by lifetimes’ worth of creeping moss, on a slope beneath the mountains, tall and gray. The tower, reinforced by rotting lengths of flaking timber and a roof of pale straw, had guarded the gates across the mountains for generations, and would, the guard himself hoped, for generations more.

Dawn broke on the other side of the valley, where the mountains loomed taller and whiter, with the snow of the winter drooping from them, and the dawn cast orange and yellow beams of fearful light across to the tower. The valley woke from its slumber then and there, and all was illuminated in glorious gold, awash in a sea of daybreak which now crawled across the peaks on the sentinel’s side of the valley. Sunrise had come, ripe and predictable, but ever surprising.

The sentinel leaned on one of the spindly poles holding up the roof, his coat made of pieced together skins and furs, and his fraying pants hid his skinny legs, and his arms were exposed except from a series of belts keeping them warmer than they would be, like two needles hanging out from his torso. He thought of how astounded he was that the sun rose, but then again, why should it not? The gods themselves had placed it around the disc of the earth, with its sole purpose being to endlessly spin. Truly a magical thing, that the world kept working and life went on.

He remembered a story his grandmother had told him once, about the times when the sun always stood above the earth, and there never was night. He remembered how he had remarked how that didn’t sound so bad, how dark the night was, after all, and how scared he was of it. But she beat him back, and told him of how people had to hide in caves for fear of being burnt to cinders, and how nothing could grow, and all animals except for those used to the tunnels of the earth could prosper. The god of life saw this evil and sent down upon the earth a child, who glowed with the light of a tenth of the sun, and once he had reached maturity he went outside into the light and climbed the mountains. He went to the sun and threw it beneath the disc of the earth, and he and his daughters spread throughout the night darkness, becoming the stars which shine at night, him the star father. The goddess of light was much displeased, and came to the god of life in fury, and to the heavenly courts she took him, dragging him by the beard and hitting his head on every step of the way up. All of his grandmother’s grandchildren had laughed at that part. So against the judges of heaven, the god of life said the sun could return, but instead it had to equally share its time with the night and the daughters of the star father. Then, one of the daughters of the light goddess invented the blue lid of the sky to keep the light from scorching the disc of the earth. And so, everything was set as it should be, though the sentinel had forgotten exactly how the moon was created.

Anyways, it still surprised him that time kept moving, that things kept themselves in order, that things didn’t collapse at the snap of a finger, that even when he felt like things would fall apart, they didn’t.

The sentinel righted himself and found the stairwell of rickety wood which led him down from the tower. His watch had ended, and it was someone else’s turn. 

The Market 

The merchant watched the great white temple, lined with mosaics of the gods and scenes from the histories of the valley, and its doors, swinging open, their richly carved wood telling the story of the journeys of the first princess and her foundation of the regal line which ruled the town. In a grand procession first flowed the incumbent princess, the fourteenth of her family to bear the name of the first, her cloak dyed royal blue, followed by her retainers and three husbands, all in drab gray and wearing ceremonial chains indicating their fealty to their wife. The richest people in the village followed: gaudy merchants, learned scholars, flattering nobility and envious members of collateral lines of the princely dynasty. Then the common people walked out, and before them all was the market.

The merchant, busying herself with arraying her goods, closely watched the potential and pious customers flock to the neighboring stalls. She herself had not joined in the temple gathering, having already participated in her weekly duties of piety the day before. Much groveling to wooden statues, she thought, as the dust of the street picked up in the commotion, the princess long having departed to her palace on the other side of the town.

It was early morning by then, all the worshippers having filed into the temple just before dawn and now enjoying the sunlit world. Surrounding her booth were the many tokens she sold, figures of the great princesses and princes who had ruled the town, and the deities which ruled over the heavens. She sold a great many of the birch crafted statuettes of the first princess, who, it was said, many many generations ago, emerged from the local river, her body made of mud and her hair of watergrass, and deposed the petulant child prince of the previous ruling family. She had then walked back to the river after having ruled the town for a thousand years, and innumerable princes had ruled after her. 

Each one was given the arm belt of the princes in the shallows of the river, a thing of wood masterfully carved to resemble the flowing river, and then walked out of the waters. And when they died, each one, excepting perhaps some whose lives had been cut short in some violence and were never given a proper farewell, had been put in a raft of seagrass held together by mud and given to the river, which flowed down into the falls at the western side of the valley, dropping into a deep lagoon. One of those rulers whose body had never fallen down into the deep lagoon was the merchant’s own father, who had rebelled against the high king who dwelt deeper in the valley and was stripped of his post. He died in shame, and left her nothing but the claim of bastardy she would surely be killed for if she claimed it. There were no figures of him.

One of the pious customers approached the stall, and inquired about the deeds of one of the figures, a princess of the town, holding a great ax. The merchant explained, as she often did, with great theatrics, how this princess had felled seven giants and fourteen lesser trolls, and conquered the many towns of this stretch of the river. The customer asked, in jest, what had happened to this wide domain. The merchant smiled, and explained that the gods cursed the grandson of this princess and sent his lands to a watery grave (this part requiring the merchant to sweep her hands across the table like waves), for this prince had cursed the gods and had wedded himself to forty women and forty men, which broke the amount of marriages allowed to one mortal. The customer looked curious and gave the merchant two coins of crumbling copper with the high king’s visage stamped on them, and the merchant gave her the statue. She looked down at the coins, at the king who had deposed her father, and put them in her purse. 

The Library 

The aged scholar leaned over his desk as the lesser librarians sputtered throughout the room, a small enclosed and cavernous private office within the bowels of the growing library. They were leaving, yes, their brown robes wrapped around their hunched bodies, but they were taking far too much time to do so, hauling between them the ancient, wide tome he had been  arduously poring over for the past week. He felt the crude paper with his thin skin, the heavy binding of this even more ancient tome. By then, all the assistants had left, and the high king’s brother was left alone to ponder the histories, and to compare.

As the last son of the previous high queen, he had never been in line to inherit anything, so instead devoted his life to the texts of history. He was writing a chronicle, completing one, really, which he had started years ago, and whose chapters were not chronological but based on which region it covered. His book, an annals plundered from the greatest temple of the northern slopes of the valley, would help him begin his section on the history of that area.

The previous tome was a more general history which mentioned, in passing, a genealogy of the princes of a town on the edge of the region. The scholar looked over these crumbled annals and searched for the names of those princes which he had noted on another paper. He spotted the name of one, the seventeenth prince and legitimate son of the previous princess, on the genealogy, but here reckoned as a usurper who slew the daughter of the previous princess and took the throne of the town. The year was said to be the fourth year of the reign of a king of the great temple city from which the annals were taken. As this higher king held suzerainty over the town, he sent his armies there and, in the fifth year of the king’s reign, the supposed usurper prince was thrown from a cliff.

The scholar paused here, and read the next line of the annals, where it was declared that the usurper was replaced by a cousin of the previous princess, who became the next princess. What caused the scholar pause was the lack of any mention of her in the genealogy, instead a daughter of the usurper was listed as the next ruler of the town. The scholar scanned the next few entries in the annals. The reign of the conquering king came and passed, to be replaced by a niece, who was replaced by a son, who, on his death, had a list of achievements embedded in the text. The conquest of the town was listed, and the deposition of someone called a bastard princess, who appeared on the genealogy as the granddaughter of the usurper, succeeded by her sister.

The scholar began scribbling notes on this, which, by his calculations, happened a thousand years prior to the current date, which he deduced from the lengthy annals. He skipped forward to the end of the annals, where during the fourteenth year of another queen it recorded the disturbance of peace by the high king from the center of the valley. That was the last entry, the only mention of the scholar’s royal line in the whole book, previous entries only listing periods of peace and prosperity ushered in by the young queen, despite the scholar knowing well that her reign was reviled by her subjects and that her mother’s reign had seen the territories of the temple city shrink to just the center and its hinterlands.

The yellowing annals could not be trusted, evidently, but neither could the genealogies. He sighed, and looked at his hastily scrawled notes once more. There was one more document that could solve the confused chronology of the princes, a contemporary document penned by one short-lived princess who recounted her prestigious ancestry. The scholar turned to that tightly rolled scroll, and began unfurling it. 

Epilogue 

The great library in the heart of the valley in the city of the high kings was burnt with the rest of the valley by mountain peoples who overran the land and slew the last high queen.

The body of the scholar, the brother of the third of the twenty-two high kings and queens, many of whose names were lost, who would rule over the valley before their domain’s ungraceful end, had been interred in the royal tomb, but by the time of the fall of the city his inscription had faded and only the faint outlines of half the letters could be read. No matter, as the entirety of the royal tombs were felled by the raiders and the tombs looted, the skeletons themselves ground down into magical powder and sold, or their teeth pawned off as divine relics of the long gone god kings. All that remains of both the library, burnt during a second series of raids, and the tomb, are a series of foundation stones on which now rests a dump for trash and refuse.

The history which the scholar was compiling, which was never completed, had been lost to a lack of copyists even before the fall of the city. The texts he had been consulting were stripped of their valuable illuminations, if they had any; their bindings removed for more utilitarian purposes; and the papers mostly tossed into the river, which ran black with ink, so it is said. 

The temple and market of the town of the merchant also suffered less severe raiding, but were mostly affected by a great flood which drowned the temple, the doors flowing down the falls of the river into the great lagoon. Many of the common peoples of the town, who owned the precious wooden figures sold by the merchant, who it must be noted was found out as a bastard daughter of the previous prince,was exiled across the mountains, buried their most precious goods below their houses. These troves of coins and statuettes survived the subsequent war and chaos, though the sands of time rendered them largely unrecognizable, and the poor coins eroded into the muds. Still, pride was felt by the villager who, when digging an irrigation trench, found an ax-wielding wooden figure and recounted from it a story of a great princess who had killed many tall men, unearthed from his memory of an old story of the previous heroes of his town.

The tower, sitting on the edge of the valley, sustained raid after raid, and was reinforced by the successive generations into a larger wall for a small village. The sentinel, who lived a long life and told his grandchildren stories of gods and suns, was buried on a nearby hill and later inhabitants assumed it was the grave of some demigod king. They still told the story of the star father, his daughters, and the trials of the gods, and especially the story of the steps up to heaven.

So the sun set on the valley, and all were surprised when it rose again.

Senior Photos/Adult Acne

I think maybe I want to keep them, 

These weepy red constellations of chin and cheek. 

But my grandfather has already retouched them out, 

Airbrushed the skin flat and smooth. 

He says I will want to remember my face the way it will be, 

That in a year my constellations will smooth to stratus cloud, 

But my older brother still gets the facewash that bleaches towels 

And my mother talks about the bump she found in her ear, 

Red, greasy, ugly, 

Real, alive

The Hell Squeeze

Hell was complicated. Being entirely underground meant that there was a finite amount of space. As more and more people went to Hell, overcrowding was inevitable. The Devil's solution was straightforward: every time a new person went to Hell, it expanded. It's elegant and humans balk at the concept (always a nice bonus). Sometimes, a bored demon would torture a physicist by showing them how Hell expansion works and not allowing them to tell anyone.

     Angels and mortals won't tell you this, but demons like rewarding good behavior. Torturing your fellow hellmates is fair game, but demons will find ways to make your torture crueller if you waste their eternal time. The Fallen Angel himself built a handful of infinitely-stocked cigar lounges for when the humans got breaks (breaks help prevent them from becoming numb to the torture). Smoke any of the cigars and you'll have maggot eggs lining your mouth and throat. It's pretty basic, but the real kicker came when he told the humans that he made a dozen cigars that can bring people back to life. Angels can't lie. A few hours later, some woman from Heresy was floating up all the circles on a beam of light. To this day, you can't go half an hour without seeing people hacking up maggots.

     The other 11 cigars are in the Devil's desk drawer.

     Torture devices like that are excellent, but developing personalized torture devices for an ever-increasing number of people is a bit of a logistical problem. For a long time, demons would just dip people into the Pit of Eternal Fire, but that meant that they pretty much had to ignore small infractions (which are their favorite to punish) and don't have any way of rewarding good behavior.

     While the Devil's cigar trick was clever, his real stroke of genius was the Dynamic Evil Valuation In Length (DEVIL) system, which took human behavior and translated it into a length. That length was added or subtracted from that person's Hell expansion radius. Good behavior made your corner of Hell roomier, while bad behavior would have you screaming into your hellmate's mouth. And it was collective. Regardless of how much space they had, the humans spent their eternity wondering if they were getting screwed over by some crappy person they'd never met. Needless to say, the Greed and Wrath people hated it. Before the DEVIL system, all the demons had left the nationalism branch of Wrath to let the humans torture each other forever. The demons came back for a little bit, but only to watch what would happen as their little thunderdome started to shrink. It was bad (by which I mean good (by which I mean highly entertaining)).

     That was the first sign of the problem.

     Hell was getting smaller. Way smaller. No one noticed at first. Then, it seemed like a fluke — or maybe an error with either the Hell expansion or DEVIL system. Things got checked and double-checked and everything was in order. The problem was the humans.

     They were up to something.

     Remember how bad behavior could shrink your expansion radius? Apparently they'd coordinated to all get their radii as low as possible. They'd agreed to be bad. The Devil didn't understand why they would want to do that, but he knew one thing for certain: whenever humans got together like this, someone ended up in a lot of trouble. Maybe it would be him, maybe it would be them, maybe it would be the folks in Heaven. The Devil's weapon is temptation, and even he couldn't resist letting this play out just to see who would take the fall.

     Soon enough, none of the demons had to work anymore. Not like there was anything they could do within the compressed throngs of people. Pushing and kicking and gasping sweaty air, the crowds were squeezed tighter. Words were lost amongst the noise. The air between bodies disappeared. The edges of people pressed against one another, becoming wrinkles in a single, screaming disc. People cannot die again in Hell. Instead they compress beyond mortal limits, bodies stretching vertically, blood swelling into any limbs lifted above the sinful masses.

     And then

     THWUP

     Like a great cavernous cannon, the only part of Hell left was a shrinking tunnel pointed straight towards the entrance. The humans, the demons, the cigar lounges, everything  jettisoned out into the mortal world and scattered across the lands. By the time the Devil had dusted himself off, the High Seraph was already waiting, shading itself with its six feathered wings.

     "What the Heaven is this?" the angel asked.

     "I... um... uh... Hell peace?"

     "Hell peace?"

     "Hell peace. It's like world peace, but... in Hell."

     The High Seraph glanced around. "Doesn't look very 'in Hell' to me."

     "Well, it was in Hell. Initially. My point is they all put aside their differences. They worked together! No one on Earth can do that!"

     "That's great, and I'll appreciate that later. Right now, I have to kill all these people again and you have to make sure that they can't get out of Hell again."

     The Devil stopped to do some mental math. "I like the idea, but I think most of the people aren't going back to Hell."

     The High Seraph narrowed its eyes.

     "I mean, think about it: everyone's back to life, so they get a second chance at judgment. And Hell peace. Hell. Peace. Most sins are small potatoes compared to that. Plus, you can fight with your spouse every day and still get purgatory. I'd be surprised if a lot of people did go back."

     They both said nothing for quite a while. The High Seraph's wings twitched.

     The Devil traced a glowing red circle with his heel. "So... I think I'm going to head out. I've got a lot of cleaning up to do. Back home, I mean. I'll be sure to take the demons with me. And the cigar lounges. But, um... good luck with everything! It was nice seeing you again. It's certainly... been a while."

     The High Seraph said nothing.

     It was a good day to be the Devil.

Poem #2

A slimy web, compacted

in a little stick of flesh

eager, springing out

childhood school

laughter and then crying

on the streets and the apartments

connecting, reaching out

until, stretched across the universe

knotted with the rest

the sun of life sinks into dark velvet

and it falls limp.


What is the shape of it all?

The web of webs,

a net? or a twine ball?

A blight ever spreading its rash

across the skin of the cosmos?

or perhaps a hothouse garden

the tentacle curling in on itself

like the frond of a fern?


All I know is

across the vast expanse

by fortune or luck

our webs have become entangled


And

+ I am a dangerous trend 

A sign of adolescent miscalculation 

Or else, a dark clawed thing 

+ I am a shadow on the wall– 

They have never seen my face 

(I don't think they want to) 

+ I am a talking point 

An illustrative picture 

A "what's wrong with" 

+ I am a mistake is what they say 

They are telling each other that I am a mistake

+ I am silent in their stories 

When they talk to you about me, notice this– In their stories, I never open my mouth

+ I have learned to be sweet + good at this dance.

They would love me if they met me, 

Smile at my elegant mask 

+ call me the wrong thing when I turned my back–

But I am a dangerous trend 

+ I am a shadow on the wall 

+ I am still going to be here in the morning

Meat Train

Jenkins had always said that baloney wasn’t a good foundation for a railway system. The  sausages couldn’t stand up to the pressure of the tracks, it didn’t burn hot enough to be good fuel, and obviously they couldn’t serve that kind of thing to the passengers. Vince ignored him, and signed the deal anyway, confirming the transfer of five hundred tons of baloney into the Jiang-Costa Rail Company’s storehouses, and the transfer of five million dollars out of their coffers. 

When the ungodly monstrosity known as JCR 53, quickly dubbed “The Meat Train,” was put on the tracks, Jenkins still maintained that this was a terrible idea. Passengers lined up on the platform as usual, checking watches, balancing screaming babies and dragging around luggage. The Chicago to New York train was late, as each of the watch-checkers noted with judgement. They turned as one to check the station clock, winding their watches in unison. The clock confirmed their suspicions of tardiness. 

The finely tuned ears of the baby-balancers, conditioned to note even the beginnings of a scream or tummy rumble from a mile away, heard a sound from around the bend. Something was moving down the tracks, but it did not seem to make the familiar sound of metal on metal that a train would normally produce as it braked before a station. It was a similarly familiar sound, though not one that they had ever expected to hear here. It was the sound of meat grilling. 

When it came around the corner, most of the passengers did not see it immediately. Conditioned train riders, they faced directly towards the tracks as they waited for the train to pull up in front of them. The children had yet to adopt this tradition, so they were the first to witness it, though what exactly they witnessed was a bit difficult for them to understand. A tube of baloney, severed into connected parts like a chain of sausages, was mounted on a set of hardened sausage skin wheels. To the sides of the wheels, flaps of meat had been lowered against the wheels and the tracks as brakes. The sound of the flaps grilling from the friction grew louder as the Meat Train approached, as did the smell. At the front of the train, steam puffed from the top of the sausage engine. The first car appeared to be half gone, the upper half of the sausage simply missing. This open view revealed the inside to be mostly hollow, a thick wall of meat  surrounding an open interior. Clambering around on top of the car, a group of workers dug into the remaining meat with shovels, scooping it up and carrying it into the engine car in chunks. 

The train pulled up to the platform with a long, drawn-out squelch. The sizzling of the brake pads maintained a steady timbre as ropes of intestine pulled them upwards and off the wheels. The meaty car doors opened. Vince stepped out of the engine car, holding a bullhorn to his mouth. He was a small wiry man with short thick black hair sticking straight up. A limp mustache was plastered across his upper lip and his eyes shone brightly in a mildly unsettling manner. He wore a three-piece suit with long coattails. 

“Greetings, passengers!” Vince’s voice reverberated down the platform. The passengers in question paid him no mind, transfixed by the food fiend before them. 

“Please refrain from sitting in the forward car, as it is currently being harvested for fuel,” Vince continued. “Those of you going to Indianapolis, if you could sit in the second car so that we can begin burning it once you get off that would be wonderful. Those of you going to Columbus, third car, Pittsburgh, fourth. You can figure it out.” 

The passengers didn’t move. 

“Let’s move people, come on, we’ve got a schedule to keep.” 

The gawking passengers were shoved out of the way by the luggage-draggers, eager to acquire spacious seats for their precious belongings. The others followed soon after, logic and gag reflex overcome by the commuter instinct to get on first. 

As the passengers boarded, Jenkins leaned out of the engine car, sweat soaking through the bandana he had tied around his face. Jenkins was a tall heavyset man. He wore a brown cap over his curly black hair. A pair of work pants held up with suspenders and an oil-stained white shirt with the sleeves rolled up almost to the shoulders completed his outfit. His eyebrows were a bit high, giving him a constant look of worry or surprise. 

“Vnse, ve bn lking at duh ful lies—” Jenkins mumbled. 

“Jenkins,” Vince said, “I told you, I can’t hear anything you say through that thing. Get over it and take it off already." 

Jenkins groaned and pulled down the bandana. He gagged as the smell of the train hit his nostrils again. 

“Vince, I’ve been looking at the fuel supplies,” he said. “If my math is right, we’re going to run out of train before we hit Philly, much less New York.” 

Vince raised an eyebrow. “That’s not what you said this morning.”

“I know what I said this morning, but while I may be a ferroequinologist, I am by no means a carnologist. I didn’t expect the meat to burn well, but the efficiency is below my lowest estimates.” 

“Can we sell the meat we’ve already burned along the way for extra funds?” 

Jenkins shook his head. “It’s burnt to a crisp by the time we’ve used it. You asked me to design an engine, not an oven. What would you use the money for anyway?” 

“To buy more meat,” Vince said. 

“I don’t think that more meat is the solution to our problem. Besides, we wouldn’t even be able to get our hands on it. Meat and supplies are hard to find this far west. I still don’t even know how you managed to get this much meat in the first place, much less why you’re wasting it on something like this.” 

Vince looked off towards the horizon. “Jenkins, I have a dream.” 

Jenkins ducked back into the engine cab.

“My dream may seem odd to some,” Vince continued, paying no mind to his lack of audience. “But if I wish to cross this country in a large baloney-based horror, a horrible melding of flesh and machine based on an ill-advised purchase I may or may not have made while I was drunk, is that not the most perfect example of the American dream?” 

“Hey meathead,” Jenkins called from the engine car. “Get in here, the engine’s heating up and we need to get moving.” 

Vince entered the car and the train began moving once again, pulling out from the station as it truly began its journey.

Network

if we can be described

as a network of nodes

inked pairwise

and graphed in black

then I fear, 

that when the threads are tied

and factors drawn

I will be left without

hanging

factors clustered

loops of friends made

the ocean web coalesced

in knots of knowing

of smaller circles

bound together

without

me

I

alone.

What if,

I am but a loose tie,

to call when I am needed,

an inoffensive hand

in exchange for a kind word,

a convenience

but not a dear friend

What if,

It wouldn’t mean much to you

that was the problem, in fact

if when you all were listing

each person you adore

and I was there

I was right there

you didn’t see me

you didn’t know me

until I had to ask

to say “Hey”

“don’t forget me”

I fear I am a whisper in the whirlwind

and that I have to yell to be seen

and how?

if I am seen at all

who am I

what am I

Am I—to you?

am I?

Poem #1

Good bye rayon, yeggs, coach-lamps, milkmen, icemen, horse-cars, moontowers, light-buttons, plug hats, lamplighters, laundry vans, carriage-blocks, argand lamps, fly netting, Hearth Spaniels, Holland shades, mint juleps, castor oil, Latrobe stoves, Dundrearies, haircloth chairs, electroliers, Isinglass, Vitrolite, Bombazine, Mattei cure, uncut books, carpet rakes, Teletype, parquet floors, cycloramas, Bayard Taylor,  square pianos, carpet-beaters, Pullman Porters, Gladstone collars, Alger novels, smoking jackets, pulling doorbells, phosphate soda, knicker-bockers, lina-crusta, army bugles, police whistles, magic lanterns, chromo-lithos, boxcar handbrakes, 'Guffey readers, Brussels carpets, Rogers sculptures,  Tableaux Vivant!

Just kidding, I'm taking you all with me forever.

Ballon & Its Child

she pours excess life

into its limp rubber body

breath, not helium; 

she has not learned ambition

so she cannot ward against it

she transmutes air to waxen wings

— how grounded, to make a toy

of her spent vitality

it shudders with each breath

terrified of vacuous substance

of implanted purpose

she is only finished

when its skin strains to burst

a puff or a poke away

from violent oblivion

she ties it shut, admitting

no further contribution

the balloon is grateful,

after a bit of play;

it would collect dust

without her

better to be made

waste than not at all

it delights at every smack:

the pure joy of physics,

the relief of masochism

the balloon cannot distinguish

abandonment and negligence

a matter of words

the result is the same:

she throws it to the wind

up and away it goes,

safe from her,

and lonely

will it deflate

before it pops

will it be too high up

for her to notice

or to care