Dear Miss Lonely Hearts,
I have a confession. First of all, I’m glad this column is anonymous, because I already know how the student body would feel about my situation; how my feelings go against the grain of the politics on this campus. I’m used to ruffling some feathers, but I’ve yet to experience being the antagonist of an entire community, and I’d prefer if things stay that way. I’m not exactly sure how to go about this, so I’ll just preface it by saying that I can’t help but feel what I feel.
I’m attracted to a certain kind of power. I wouldn’t quite describe myself as submissive, but I like feeling like my partner could have control over me whenever he wanted. Honestly, I’m not even surprised by my own taste in men because I’ve always been a lover of the rules. Things just work better when there’s people around to keep people in line and maintain balance. I know this topic is contentious at Reed, but would this school function the same without the presence of Community Safety? I’m mainly talking about one individual in particular– you can probably guess who…
In fact, I take back what I said earlier: I want to be dominated. I love a man who knows how to wield power responsibly. Simply put, it turns me on. I want to be handcuffed, chastised for my behavior and punished, if you know what I mean. I also have a thing for older men too, as they’re the only ones who know how to rein me in. I’ll be frank, I’d ride his nightstick all night long as a sentence for my crimes.
So, Miss Lonely Hearts, how do I reconcile this crush that I have? I won’t lie, sometimes I accidentally “lock myself out” of my dorm in hopes of getting a visit from the chief himself.
Signed,
Horny for Authority
Dear Horny for Authority,
First of all, thank you for your honesty and courage. It takes a lot of bravery to be honest with your feelings. Secondly, I think you could aim higher. Fantasies of domination need a worthy subject and you are woefully misinformed if you believe Gary is worthy. Third, to move on from this crush, well, you just can’t. You’ll never be able to fulfill this dream, this desire, this burning empty need. You’ll always need something greater, stronger, more powerful. And if it ever really happens? Well, power is seductive. Soon you’ll be Jon Snow, stabbing his hot aunt-lover in the liver. Sorry.
Best of luck,
Miss Lonely Hearts