Dear Miss Lonely Hearts,
This year will be my first Renn Fayre. I didn't go to the big meeting, but all my friends keep talking about how it's a tradition to kiss a bunch of people. I've haven’t had my first kiss yet, and it might be cool to kiss people at a big party like this, but how do I do it? I know consent is important, but how do you do that if it's loud or awkward? And what about the actual kissing part? Or should I just wait until I decide to kiss someone I really like some other time?
Sincerely,
Nervous AF
Dear Miss Lonely Hearts,
While I've enjoyed some lovely long-term relationships in my time at Reed, I've never had a fling and feel like my college time to explore is quickly running out! I'm absolutely no good at flirting and don't like parties with alcohol very much, so meeting people for brief encounters that way doesn't seem like an option. Friends have had mixed experiences with Tinder, from downright unpleasant to amazing encounters that confirmed their being lesbian.
Should I sign up for a Tinder of my own? And if I do, how can I find a fun fling before getting spat out into the Real World?
Sincerely,
Shiver Me Tinders
Dear Miss Lonely Hearts,
My girlfriend from home just broke up with me over spring break and I can't stop thinking about it. I really loved her and thought we would be together for much longer, but she didn't want to do long distance anymore. While I respect her decision, it's still shitty to deal with, especially being back on the Reed grind. I can barely focus on my readings. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Million Pieces
Miss Lonely Hearts,
I have been in a loving relationship for three years and we have lived together for two. I have known about my clinical depression since I was three years old. Now my lover has started experiencing intense symptoms of depression and I believe we contribute to each other's mental health issues just by existing, listening, and commiserating because both of us are incredibly empathetic. I don't want to leave him because of this, but I can't see the way we are currently living as healthy. He is my inspiration and he has helped me fight a lot of my darkness, I want to be able to help him in the same ways. So the question I pose is this: how can two depressed cuties live together without remaining an echo chamber of misery? How can we break this cycle?
Best,
Empathetic Emily
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts,
I've always been against the idea of theme housing because I've always been a really independent person and I don't want some where I live to define me and encompass my entire life. Two years of college and 6+ clubs later, I still haven't found even one person I can call my friend. I'm thinking about trying to transfer into a theme dorm but I'm afraid it's not "me." Should I give in or keep searching elsewhere??
– Bummed in Bidwell
Dear Miss Lonely Hearts,
I’m a 5'11, athletic Asian-American male who enjoys short walks on the beach and burrito trucks. That’s what my OkCupid profile says. I received a message from “Kacialmanza”: 22, lives in Portland, and seems to be an attractive white woman. Her message: “Hello :)”. I thought I hit the jackpot. I checked out her profile. She likes watching Korean Dramas. Me too! She loves rice and sushi! So do I! Her favorite book is Lolita. Okay, that’s cool I guess, Yay books! She loves “anything Asian in generally”. Okay...what. Finally, she said, Message me if: “You are Asian.” Verbatim, full stop.
Holy crap, what do I say to this racist?
Asian Persuasion
Dear Miss Lonely Hearts,
HELP! I accidentally drank my custodian’s chocolate Frosty a few weeks ago, and it’s eating away at my soul. I went to the closest Wendy’s (on Sandy Boulevard) and bought two large chocolate Frosties (because interest) and a 1/4 lb. cheeseburger (because square meat). I excitedly drove back to give him the frozen milky goodness. Upon returning to my dorm, my HA told me that the custodian would be gone for a week visiting family. Dismayed (here’s the sad part), I ATE THE FROSTIES. Like Holy Shit. Why am I such a terrible person? I didn’t realize you could save those things in the freezer. What do I do?
Frozen in Fear
Dear Miss Lonely Hearts,
There’s this girl in one of my conferences who is unnecessarily aggressive, like a Jack Russell Terrier. She makes good points but the way in which she makes them makes me and other members of my class visibly uncomfortable. It’s like she’s a human Brillo pad. How do I get her to realize that her behavior is negatively impacting the conference and possibly intimidating people who have good things to say but are shy? How can I share my similes in peace?
Advise me,
Scared in conference
Dear Miss Lonely Hearts,
I have serious conundrum. I would like Robert Knapp to be my grandfather. I know that he’s married and he’s never met my grandmother but I feel they’d hit it off ! She has a PhD in English and they could talk about Shakespeare and theatre to their hearts delight. After all, didn’t Romeo say, “How sweet is love itself possess’d / when but love’s shadows are so rich in joy”?
I want Robert Knapp’s beard in my Christmas card, not just the beard, but also a Norman Rockwell-esque picture of us and their domestic bliss. How can I help the two of them start this whirlwind romance that will forever change their (and by extension my) lives.
Sincerely,
Wanting to be grandson
I have a huge crush on this boy in my Hum conference and I just don’t know what to do. He always wears the best flannels and the most perfectly beat up jeans and boots and no one knows how to talk about Plato’s Republic or the cloudiness of reality in Herodotus’ Histories like he does. What should I do? Should I slip a Sappho poem in his mail stop? Or maybe drop a hint about meeting sometime to talk about those star-crossed lovers, Helen and Paris?
Please respond ASAP,
Lovestruck in Hum Conference.
